I'm fat. Not disgustingly so, but enough for people to notice. It fluctuates, but that little belly is always there. It's weird, sometimes I think it looks like a hideous growth, and other times it blends into the contours of my body perfectly, and it looks just fine. To me at least, I've never put much stock in what other people say about it, but then again, not many people seem to want to comment on it. It seems to be a case of "Yeah, he's kinda chubby. Moving on." It wasn't always like that, though. When I was really young, I was actually quite skinny. It's hard to tell if the fatness was spawned by the shoving down of emotions from my dad's death, or if it was just my years of eating nothing but crap catching up. Either way, I'm working on it, but God only knows how long it's gonna take.
While people rarely comment on my weight, my mom feels a constant need to comment on my hygiene. I didn't wash my hair good enough, my teeth look yellow, I missed a spot when I shaved, did I trim my nails yet? The hair one comes up the most, even though my mom is the only one who ever comments about it. Period.
My ankles are fucked up. They really are. I don't remember when it started, but I'll have these bouts of one of them aching like crazy or having some other bizarre pain-related-issue-deal. It always comes up without warning, and I'll never have done anything to it, but then, it goes away as quickly as it came, and I move on. I've chalked it up to a personal anomaly a log time ago and haven't though much of it since.
Can you tell I'm not really into writing about my body? I barely like writing about my mind. I really don't know what else to say. I'm nearsighted with astigmatism? The glasses give me a lot more of a "nerd" look, which is shockingly accurate? Fuck, man I don't know. My body is boring.
Michael, I want to applaud you. You are letting down walls and exposing who you are and how you truly feel. THat takes a lot of courage to do. I am very impressed that you took such a huge step. You are who you want to be not what someone else wants you to look like. This blog really touched me.
ReplyDeleteThank you
Embracing your body is the best way to start, because that way you don't look for flaws you look at what you have! What is truly yours. You don't compare to yourself to someone else. You see yourself as what you are. I really enjoyed reading your post.
ReplyDeleteGreat feedback, Keeton n' Rocio!
ReplyDeleteHeya, Michael.
I really like the voice you used to compose this post--felt very uncontrived, very authentic n' honest. I like how you explored the impact your physicality has had on your relationship with your mom. That's interesting...perhaps worth exploring in our upcoming labels n' identity paper. Excited to see what you come up with!
Ya I agree with them. One of the reasons I followed your blog was because you seemed to write honestly. I agree, I don't like to write about myself, body or mind. But good job doing it. You've motivated me to try and put more into blogs as far as depth.
ReplyDelete